Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Afraid to be happy?

Right now I'm really happy. REALLY REALLY HAPPY. And it scares me to the point of tears and weeping. Everything is going really well for me. I'm warm and well fed, carving out my own way in the world, doing what I want to do, working hard, dangerously in love, successful in my career, and surrounded by loving friendships. Yet, I am afraid to rest in my joy. I am afraid to rest in my contentment. Afraid that someone is going to pull the rug out under me. I mean look at Jennifer Hudson, she's carved out her own way, Oscar winner, new movie, new solo album, and then someone comes and kills her family! Although I've read this scripture, ..."I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." Philippians 4:11-12, I have always looked at it one sided. I never realized how challenging it can be to be content when you actually have everything you NEED. Our society functions mostly on people being unsatisfied. That's seems to drive capitalism. If we were content with what we actually had many many institutions would go out of business. But, anyway, I don't want to be afraid to be happy. I don't want to be driven by fear. I want to be driven by grace, compassion and love. I don't want to be great because I'm better than her over there. I want to be great because I am me. I want to be courageous in my happiness and confident that regardless of my circumstances or even if everything that is contributing to my happiness now that is outside of me and my control that if it all falls apart that I will endure. And endure in joy. Maybe that's the secret....
"When God gives people wealth and possessions, and the ABILITY TO ENJOY THEM, to accept their lot and be HAPPY in their toil-this is a gift of God" Ecclesiastes 5:19

1 comment:

Shaland said...

Girl... I know the feeling because I am always looking for something to change that.Just remember
Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

4 Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:

6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

(Psalm 37:3-6)