Monday, February 15, 2010
I am madly, deeply, dangerously in love with my fiancee'. I can not wait to marry this man. He is so incredible, I love him more and more daily, and I literally mean that. Yesterday, I was just meditating on how lucky I am that a man like Hashim considers ME to be his dreamgirl.
But sometimes, I freak out. Being like a sponge in this engagement process, trying to soak all helpful tidbits about marriage is actually, I'm realizing, a terrible idea.
At church I have lots and lots of young married friends. Everyone has their own story of union but I cannot say that everyone is living happily ever after. Women have projected all kinds of fears into me:
1. "Girl, you better get all the performing you want to do out now because Hashim is NOT gonna be okay with you going on tour."
2. "There will be no surprizes, everything little thing he does now is a hint at what is to come. It's YOUR responsibility to pay attention and watch the signs"
3. "After you get married, your freedom just goes out the window. Sometimes I wish I was still single!"
4. "On my wedding night, I knew I made a mistake"
5. "There is no happily ever after. There's just hard work. But I guess its worth it"
When I first heard comments like these I would just nod my head, like, "okay...mmmm...yeah."
Which led to my eventual melt down on Valentine's Day when Hashim JOKINGLY said," Well after we get married, you're going to have different dreams. You probably won't want to be touring anymore."
Which led me to respond like this:
"You see, I knew it! (Sob, tears) You trying to make me sit at home and twidle my thumbs and let all my dreams fall away and they told me to watch the signs, and this is a sign and, and( a little bit of snot flowing now) and if you don't want me to perform then you should have said it before and, and and, (the ugly cry face in full force) and maybe this isn't going to work!"
Of course Hashim was totally taken off guard. Because he is a spiritual man he stepped away to pray and came back. He reassured me that he was completely joking and that all I have to worry about is him making a really bad joke from time to time. He reminded me that he has ALWAYS supported my dreams and that whatever I can handle, he can handle.
After I had some time to pray I realized that I have been internalizing a lot of fear. The mistakes your parents made, your friends parents, your friends, all that can compile into a heap of fear.
I mean no wonder the Cosby Show was so amazing. Claire and Cliff were fully self-actualized adults, happy, fulfilled, and affectionate. I know that's a t.v. show that I grew up on, but am I crazy to think that kind of life is possible for me?
Other than what the Bible says about marriage, the rest is up to us. Hashim and I are going off into that journey and we will define and redefine what marriage is all about for us. That's what I'm most excited about. Let the wild rumpus begin!!!!!